What do I do? I’m married to an addict.

My husband and I have been married for a little over a year and the whole time it has been a constant battle with him and porn. He prefers porn over me and it is completely tearing me apart emotionally. I don’t know what to do anymore I feel so betrayed and worthless. We had a HUGE fight the other day and I almost left him and once again he promised he would quit and the next morning he was up masturbating to it again. He thinks I don’t know half the time but I do, so I guess he thinks it’s ok. I try coming on to him all the time and 99 times out of 100 he flat out turns me down. He has said once before that he is “ashamed of himself” because he doesn’t last very long but I think that is just a good excuse. I have tried telling him how I feel a million times and he doesn’t seem to get it. I have mentioned marriage counseling and he makes up a zillion excuses why he cant. I just don’t see how any man could treat the woman they supposedly love this way. I am so torn up inside.

Trials In Marriage Because Of Porn: Lies, Abuse, Infidelity, Addiction

-Anonymous

My husband and I are currently separated, after only four years of marriage, because of his porn addiction and related alcohol addiction. Though I discovered his porn problem a year before we were married, he assured me he’d realized it was harmful to him and therefore had found the willpower to quit. I know now that was a just lie in a sea of many lies.

He was just nine or ten when he discovered his older brother’s hardcore pornography magazines in the basement. Ten years older than him and mean as spit, his brother also used to beat him up every day, to the point of physical abuse. He would get broken ribs and concussions and if he cried his brother would wail on him even more. His parents did nothing about it. His dad actually thought it was funny.

Around that same time, a teenage neighbor and his dad chose my husband to prey on sexually. No doubt they knew how to look for a child who was already being abused. His exposure to hardcore porn intensified. There was always porn, in the form of magazines and movies, readily available at the neighbor’s house. Sexual abuse of every kind went on for three or four years.

When I first found out my husband had a ‘liking’ for porn, I had no idea how harmful its effects were. I wasn’t sure where I stood on the issue, and even participated in watching a few movies with him. However, when I realized that he seemed to be doing it every waking opportunity, I knew it wasn’t healthy. He would rent PPV movies, go online for hours on his days off, and even go to adult bookstores. Each time I confronted him, he lied straight through his teeth without blinking an eye…”The movies on the cable bill must have been a mistake,” “No, I haven’t been on the computer looking at porn, why do you think that? Oh, you saw the history? Where is that exactly?” “No, I wouldn’t go to the video arcade at the adult bookstore, I just wouldn’t feel good about doing that.”

One of porn’s most damaging effects to a relationship is the incessant lying that takes place. A porn addict, just like any other addict, will do anything to keep their ‘precious.’ I eventually had to get computer tracking software and a car tracker just to confirm my suspicions and prevent myself from feeling crazy day after day. Unfortunately, though, the damages don’t end there. There’s the sense of entitlement and selfish attitude, incessant preoccupation with sex and lust, and general agitation and hostility that seem to fester within the addict, all of which I experienced daily with my husband. And as with most porn addicts, my husband also had affairs, both before and after we were married.

I was also exposed to porn at a young age. My neighbor showed me her dad’s Playboy’s when I was eight and my teenage uncle, who molested both my sisters and me, would watch movies like Porkies while we were at his house. This early sexual awakening set me up to behave promisciously in high school and college, creating my own set of sexual baggage and issues. No wonder I was drawn towards a man like my husband.

Now, of course, I worry about him handing down this awful legacy to his own son (my stepson), who is twelve, and has already been caught searching for naked pictures online. I worry about my daughter, who is eleven, having the only male figure in her life be an addict and how that’s going to skew her view of male/female relationships. And of course, I worry about the future of our marriage.

He has just 4 more months to get and stay sober or I’m going to have to file for divorce. It’s very sad to me, but you simply cannot have a marriage when one person gives themselves away to their addictions and lies about everything in the process. He really wants our marriage and, so far, has been doing what he needs to do, but this isn’t the first time he’s tried to rid himself of these demons. He says having to move out of his own home has been his ‘rock bottom.’ We’ll see.

The great lie of, “I’m not hurting anyone by doing this,” has undoubtedly taken every porn addict further than they wanted to go and kept them there longer than they wanted to be. Undeniably, the carnage extends way beyond the lone person in front of the computer or TV, looking at images on a screen.

Suffering the Side Effects – Real Harms to the Innocent!

-Shared Anonymously

It is hard to know where to begin my story. Pornography has effected me in many ways at various times in my life. I guess it is always best to start at the beginning. As a baby, my home was in turmoil. My father and mother fought a great deal, and the more that he looked at porn at work, the worse that it got. Some of my earliest memories are of my father choking my mother on their bed. By the time I was three, my family was broken. I did not realize as a child that my father had an addiction, or that it was effecting our family, but later, when I got married, my father gave me a file full of letters that had been exchanged between he and my mother which they discussed his addiction. I also learned at that time about my mother’s own abuse as a child. Her father and brother both were addicts, and had abused her. My mother remarried multiple times; four out of the five were to porn addicts.

When I was about five, my mother hired a male babysitter while she went out to a dance. I did not even know that she had since he had home come over so late. He was a young teen already addicted to porn, and he molested me in my bed as I slept. It took me over a week to tell my mother because I was so scared and traumatized. This experience shaped much of the choices that I made in my life and how I felt about myself well into my adult years.

My mother’s third husband was an addict and very abusive. As a result of her marriage to him, two of my brothers became addicted, and two of my younger sisters, his own flesh and blood became his victims. The victimization did not end there. One of my brothers was so consumed by it, that he also acted out on those same sisters that had been abused by their biological father. When I found out about it, I became suicidal, in addition to other things that were effecting me at that time in my life. I began to feel that there was no escape from this monster called porn, and that it was gathering up every man in its path.

I married at nineteen. Within the first month, I found out that my husband was an addict. I was devastated. I found out soon after that, that I was pregnant. I contemplated annulment or divorce at that moment, but was too ashamed to tell anyone that I had married an addict and was too afraid to face raising a child alone. I told myself, that he would get over it, and I could help him do it. We did not seek outside help for seven years. During these seven years, I was in a personal hell. Going through many miscarriages, declining in health due to pregnancy complications, and my self-image was suffering greatly. I withdrew from family, friends and people at church. Every woman became a potential source of hurt, so I avoided them. I started gaining weight on purpose, thinking that would ensure that no men would be looking at me, like my husband was at other women, and that I would not be hurting them, like some women were hurting me, through my husband’s actions. My husband was not emotionally connected to me, and intimate moments were often cold and empty. I felt most of the time that I was not even present, nor did he care if I was. Also all I was, was live porn for him. Eventually, the tension led to domestic violence against one of our children and myself, and he went to jail. I filed for divorce, but later got back together with him because I thought that no one else would want to be with me, a mother with four children, divorced and now overweight. Because of the intensity of everything, including his admitting that he had done things to his own sister when he was ten years old, we left the state because there was no help from family. He enrolled in counseling there, and it seemed that things were going to improve. As a family, we fought that fight with him for another 6 years. Four of those years, he lied about his addiction, and acted like it had been overcome. I became more secure and started doing more in the community, with our family and was running for state office when the bombshell was dropped. He had been fired from work for child porn. This was the first time I had heard of this type of porn, or that he had an addiction to it. I was scared, devastated, shocked, and had enough of it. My thoughts went to the children and I left him and returned to the state where my family was within 13 hours. My entire life turned upside down. While I was furiously packing to leave, the children had come across all his work things that were piled on the table. Among those things, was the image that had gotten him fired. I never saw it. The children held their own counsel, and determined that I had been hurt enough, and that I should not see it, and they decided to destroy it. They only brought it up when being questioned by detectives, and I was even more upset to find out that they had been exposed. Our oldest daughter, now twelve often asks me why her biological father would ever have looked at pictures of little girls like that. All I can tell her is that he is an addict and he needs help.

My ex husband has let me know that leaving that day saved our daughters from being victims. He said that they were at high risk and that he was scared of himself and what he might do to them. I am grateful, beyond words, that they have not had that experience at least. Their father is in a recovery program now, and we have moved on. The children and I went through our own recovery, I went through a twelve step program that changed my life. I started caring for myself, improved my health, and developed better relationships with my children.

I have since remarried, which has been the biggest blessing in my life. The love that he has for all of us is amazing. Sometimes, the children and I have to face difficult questions like why did their father not love them like their dad does? Why did their father not love me like dad does? It is a side-effect that we are dealing with now, that I did not anticipate. The stark contrast definitely cannot be ignored, but I am so grateful for the love that we have now. For the sake of himself, and my children, I truly hope their biological father finds healing, and wholeness. I hope that some day, he can overcome and be able to be married once again himself. Maybe be given that second chance at doing things in a better way.

A Man’s Perspective: I Lost My Marriage To Porn

- Shared anonymously.

I lost my marriage to Porn.

I am a 30 year old white male from a middle class family. My parents are still married and still love each other. My family is extremely religious, and I was raised believing that Sex was a Taboo subject.

I was 12 years old when Porn entered my life. It wasn’t long before I began using it as a way to feel good, and escape from my problems. Granted as I look back I realized that I had been escaping my life for years long before I found Porn. Video Games, Movies, Books, Cartoons, anything that got me away from my life. Porn entered my life, and like a drug I couldn’t get enough. It made me feel good. If it feels good, it must be good, I thought.

My teenage years were probably as awkward as most peoples. Except I had this hidden shame, I looked at Porn in the privacy of my room. I found opportunities to look at it as often as possible. At that time it never entered my head that there was something wrong with porn. In fact the only time I heard mention of Porn was in my Church, from my Church leaders. That only made me hide my occupation with Porn from everyone. It was “wrong”, but I liked it.

Porn was my bread and butter escape from life for years and years. I wasn’t always alone, and I went to activities with friends and with family. I found myself “needing” to take something with me to occupy myself. Handheld video games, yoyos, a book. Why? Because I wanted to be looking at porn, and because I needed something to do until I could look at porn again. If I was at home with my parents, I wasn’t “there” I was playing a video game.

I got married young. 21. Met a wonderful girl from my church and after a few years of knowing each other, we started hanging out, dating, married. When the subject of Porn came up, I honestly believed I wouldn’t need Porn anymore. I told her so. I even quit looking at it for several months while we were dating. I thought it was a good thing. When I look back, I realize that my wife, then girlfriend, was my Porn. I got the same satisfaction from being around her, as looking at Porn gave me. That wasn’t a bad thing at all.

We got married, and shortly were expecting a child. Like most young people my age pregnancy isn’t a reason to stop being intimate. I and my wife were virgins before we met each other. We discovered all the joys of physical intimacy together. I didn’t need or want anything more during the first few months marriage. I didn’t need Porn. I was living the life of all the Porn I had seen until then.

My wife began to start experiencing the changes of pregnancy, she started feeling ill, and after my advances stopped working. I found I had to find other things to do to occupy myself.

I have played video games since my parents bought a Nintendo Entertainment System back when I was around 10 years old. There has never been a time where I haven’t been playing video games in my spare time. After a few initial rejections of intimacy from my wife, and much cajoling and even a few experiences where I used her, hurt her, and felt awful after she complained. I turned to video games to pass the time, over spending time with my wife. In my mind, if I wasn’t going to get the pay off, the effort didn’t always seem to be worth it.

I began staying up late playing video games. I was actually working overnight at the time, and sleeping during the day, so this wasn’t that odd. I claimed I needed to stay on my “sleeping schedule” on my days off too. I spent a lot of time alone. I worked  alone, was basically paid to watch tv and clean a house for 8 hours. Since everyone knows how it is impossible to avoid Porn online, I was looking at porn 6 months after getting married.

I was ashamed, I promised my wife I’d not need it anymore, and I wouldn’t look at it, because I had her. Naturally I hid my return to Porn from my wife. That didn’t work very well. She found out fairly quickly. I’d always be at the computer, while she was sleeping, and wanted to see what I was doing. Wives want to spend time with their husbands.

Thus began a pattern of living that I did not deviate from for 6 years of marriage, and 3 children later. I would work, come home, play video games until I was alone, and then indulge in my porn addiction. By this time my wife had accepted that I looked at porn. The futile attempts to stop are not even worth mentioning. If I stopped it was probably only a week, if that.

I worked days, I worked nights. I thought I had it made. Marriage, Sex, Video Games, my Porn addiction when I was alone. I made time for my addiction, never slept because I needed it. Neglected my wife and kids, because I wouldn’t sleep. Neglected my wife and kids, because I would always be on my computer. I felt like my time was “special” if I gave it to you, you’d better appreciate it, and it better be doing something “fun”.

I termed what I would do for my wife to make her happy as :”Paying the Rent”. Which was always the bare minimum I could do to keep her around. I wanted to be married. I loved her, and I cared. Yet as I’ve learned, Man cannot serve two masters. I could not serve my Addiction to Porn, and escaping from life; and serve my Wife, children and improve myself. It made me two people. The guy who “pays the rent”, and the guy who wanted porn, and played video games when he was tired of porn, or waiting until he could look at it again.

My wife finally left me, kicked me out, however you want to put it after about 7 years. She was tired of being hurt. She only wanted to be happy, and I would hurt her, again, and again. She divorced me because of Pain. Repeated pain, and neglect.

Did she think it was the Porn? No. Did I? No.

My wife left because I couldn’t stop hurting her from neglect, dishonesty, and outright cruelty to get the things I wanted. I was selfish, inconsiderate, dishonest, controlling and much more. I only dealt with people who I found useful. I didn’t have any real friends. I honestly didn’t care about anyone but myself, and my wife who gave me sex.

I didn’t want my marriage to fall apart. I didn’t want to lose what I had considered the “Climax” of my life. I thought it would all be smooth sailing after my childhood if I got married. I got married, and rested on my laurels, got satisfied with being married, and just coasted along.

I did everything I could to fix my marriage. I went back to church for answers, because I had none. I Prayed. Promised the Moon, if she would come back. Gave up video games, Sold every game I had. Quit them even. I gave up Porn for 4 months, before the court date. White Knuckled it. Did everything I thought would help.

It was too late.

The divorce happened. I went back to porn 2 weeks later. Lost my Job, moved 3 hours away from my kids. Moved in with Mom and Dad.

Went to church. Talked with my Pastor. He convinced me that I was addicted to Porn. Told me there was a solution. He brought me to a Porn Addiction Support Group (PASG) meeting. 7 months after the divorce, unemployed, and living with mom and dad. I began to find Recovery.

PASG, pronounced: Passage, are meetings for individuals who wish to recover from Porn addiction. The individuals who attend these meetings work the 12 step program. The same program as the one that A.A. or Alcoholics Anonymous has been using for years. The steps are exactly the same. I read the A.A. Big Book too, because it powerful for any and all addicts who wish to recover.

I started going to the meetings in July of last year. I relapsed in September. That didn’t prove the program was invalid for me, because I realized the program only works with a Sponsor. I found a sponsor, and have found a recovery more lasting than I would ever have found alone.

The program is spiritual. For I know that my brain is hardwired to turn to Porn when times are tough for me. Porn is my Drug. I will always be an Addict. Yet, with work, I can remain a Recovering Addict. Which is what I wish to be.

I have found Recovery. For addicts, there is no cure. I have been sober since September.

I have found what has always eluded me all these years. Love and Caring. I actually care about people now. I actually have friends for the sake of having friends. Not just people who are useful for fun.

I have found that through the program, and recovery. I am capable of being Honest. Considerate. Caring. Selfless, and no longer self-seeking. Less prone to Fear.

I have found that I can be the Father that my children need.

I am a better Son.

A better Brother.

A caring Friend.

Overall, a better Person

A Person, that even after everything I know I have done, I Like.

I’m never going back to Porn. I’ll be working the 12 step program until the day I die.

This is my story.

The Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (or porn, sex, drugs, anything really)—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics (or porn addicts, sex addicts, drug addicts, anyone dealing with addiction), and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

12 Step Resources:

PASG Manual

http://www.providentliving.org/familyservices/AddicitonRecoveryManual_36764000.pdf

Website for my Addiction Recovery Program and where to find meetings.

http://www.providentliving.org/content/list/0,11664,6629-1,00.html

The Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book (a great resource for addicts, replace references to alcohol with your addiction, and drinking with “acting out” and you’re good to go)

http://www.aa.org/bbonline/

Pornography Statistics In America

Originally found here.

How it destroyed my marriage and my journey to forgive

-shared anonymously (Names have been changed to protect the innocent and the forgiven.)

My story with pornography started approximately 6 weeks after Roy and I got married. I started noticing strange behavior from him with regards to his computer activity. He was on the computer for very long hours and began choosing the computer over being intimate with me (his then very young, beautiful bride). Being somewhat naive, I tried to ignore it in the hopes that it would just go away.

As the behavior became worse, I thought it necessary to do some investigating. One morning, before he left for one of his classes, he printed something off and put it in a folder on his desk. As soon as he walked out the door, I went to see what it was, but was interrupted by him coming back into the apartment. I quickly put his things back and ran into the bathroom, hoping he hadn’t seen me. When I went back out, the folder was gone. That was when I knew my husband was hiding something from me. That was when I started to wonder what I had gotten myself into. I was trapped in what was supposed to be an amazing, eternal marriage, but in reality was merely a mockery.

That night, I confronted him about the situation and he (after trying to lie to get out of it) eventually told me that he was reading erotic stories. Erotic stories? What on earth? Why would he need to be reading erotic stories? Well, he promised it would stop, and like a fool I believed him. If I hadn’t already been carrying our first child, I might have left him. But I didn’t.

The next few years of our lives were a roller-coaster of secrets and lies and tears and forgiveness. I truly loved him and believed he could quit. I prayed so intensely and really believed my prayers would help him. We stayed together because of all the good things in our marriage (which were many), but my heart was almost constantly broken. When I was expecting our second child, Roy and I started going to counseling because, although I thought we were both making an effort, things were only getting worse. There were so many nights when I would wake up and find him out of bed, looking for porn. So many days when he didn’t come home from work until 2 hours after he was supposed to. So many nights when he didn’t want to be close to me. I blamed myself for a long time, but with therapy I was able to realize it wasn’t about me or how I looked — or even about whether or not he loved me. It was an addiction. There were times when I thought things were really good and it appeared that the worst was behind us, but then he would make a mistake covering his tracks and my world would come crashing down again.

It was during one of the good times that we found out we were expecting our third child (yay!). I loved being a mother and he was such a good daddy. When it came time for the 10 – 12 week prenatal visit (the first heartbeat visit), Roy came up with an excuse not to go. I tried not to be too worried about it and just went by myself. That night, I knew something was wrong because Roy didn’t come home until very late. He looked terrible when he finally did come home. I knew I was in for a shock. He explained to me that he had been expelled from school. The reason that he fabricated was that he was caught sending “inappropriate emails” to a fellow (female) student. He told me that he saw her on campus one day and found her email address through the school directory and starting sending her inappropriate email. I have no idea why I believed him when he told me that was all that had happened — but I did! Even so, that was enough for me to tell him to get out.

The next day, I learned the real story from my Bishop. Roy had had his eye on a girl that I worked with named Brittany. He started emailing her anonymously at first. The emails quickly became sexual in nature and the girl (I say girl because she was 18) became uncomfortable with the situation and reported it to the Dean of the college where they were both students. The Dean, in an effort to track down the predator, continued to email my husband under Brittany’s identity. Roy set up a time and place to meet “Brittany” on campus and then, according to the plan, they would go to a hotel to have sex. Roy went to the meeting, where he was confronted by the Dean and expelled. When Brittany found out who the man was that had been emailing her, she was so shaken up (she knew me and Roy) that she dropped out of school and went home to her family. After the Dean talked to Roy, he called our Bishop and told him what had happened and said that Roy would be right over to talk to him. Roy did go and talk to the Bishop, who then told him to come straight home and tell me. Roy, of course, didn’t tell me the truth.

That incident began a 6 month separation, during which I decided to get a divorce. So there I was, pregnant with my 3rd baby at the age of 23 and utterly alone. It was such a dark time for me, but miraculously I got through it. It probably helped that I was managing a large daycare center and going to school. I was able to concentrate on things other than the betrayal.

When I got close to my due date, I had a change of heart. I remember being VERY pregnant, sitting in my hallway, pulling piles of clothes out of my dryer, and breaking down. I cried and cried in that hallway. I was so MAD that Satan had won! I wanted him to lose! I had fought so hard for my marriage and didn’t want it to be in vain, so I made a choice. I chose to take Roy back. He had been begging me for several months, anyway, and I was about to have his baby. So, he came back into my life and we “started over”. We continued in therapy and I saw (or I thought I saw) a huge change in Roy. Even though it was VERY hard to trust, I wanted to trust him. I forgave him as much as my spirit would allow me to and we had our sweet second chance. We moved into a new apartment, where no one knew of Roy’s mistakes, I quit my job and stayed home with the three kids, and life was relatively good. This went on for three years. He had a good job and we were able to save enough money to build our first real home. We moved again and appeared to be the perfect LDS couple. Roy had “repented”. We even got to the point where we were released from counseling (because we’d had over 100 sessions and if we hadn’t figured it out by then, we never would).

We were in our new house for almost a year when I got the phone call. It was May 31st, 2006 and the call was from the police station. They informed me that my husband was wanted for enticement of a child and that they had been questioning him that morning. I was supposed to come and pick him up because he wasn’t fit to drive. As I write this, the shock I felt is coming back to me and I don’t know how to describe it. It was like everything I thought I knew was quickly and completely destroyed. “How could this be?”, I thought. “I thought things were good.” I don’t know how long it took me to compose myself and drive down to the station, but I do remember what I kept saying to myself — “I don’t have to decide anything right now”. I got to the police station (feeling so humiliated, by the way) and I was told what had happened. Roy had been emailing a 14-yr-old girl and sharing very graphic, sexual conversation with her. What he didn’t know, though, was that the “girl” was really a Sheriff’s deputy from a neighboring county working a sting operation. Roy had been caught. They weren’t ready to arrest him at that point, so it became my responsibility to deal with him. He wouldn’t look me in the eye. It was as if his spirit was completely shattered. On the drive home, I said nothing. It was all I could do to just drive. He eventually said “Do you want me to file for divorce?” and I said “We don’t have to decide anything right now”. That was it. In a situation where I wanted to scream and ask him a million questions and call him a million terrible names, that was all that was said. We got to the house where he packed a few things and I took him to his mom’s. Then began the process of carrying on.

I told no one what happened that day. I didn’t know how to tell people. I put on a happy face and tried to feel nothing, for the next day was my baby’s 3rd birthday and I had to be strong for him. I remember that birthday party. I was so dead inside. My family came to the park for the party and knew nothing of what had happened the day before. Roy came, too, for a short time. We came up with some excuse to tell the family that would explain why he couldn’t be there for the whole thing. I took the kids out of town for a while after that, and when we came home, Roy was in jail. The worst part was that his story was on the news, bringing an end to my silence. My humiliation was complete, yet I carried on.

Roy’s mother bailed him out of jail and he continued to live with her during the investigation where they learned many, many things about my husband. Roy had been emailing that “girl” for several weeks. He talked to her about sex and planned a time to drive to the neighboring county and meet her. In the end, though, he never went. They had set up a time to meet, but Roy backed out of it (thank goodness). They arrested him anyway, but the fact that he didn’t actually meet the girl was what ended up saving him in the end. His lawyer got his charges reduced from enticement of a child to endangerment of a child, so he did not have to register as a sex offender.

The investigation process took SEVERAL months. I had gotten the first phone call in May, and then in November, I got another phone call informing me that I had thyroid cancer. “WHAT?” “Thyroid cancer?” I felt like telling the Lord that he had a very cruel sense of humor. I didn’t understand why I was being expected to take on so many trials all at once. I really felt like the universe had crapped on me. But, like the survivor that I am, I put on a happy face.

Within two weeks, I had had my thyroid removed and was awaiting radiation treatment. It was after my surgery that I learned more information about Roy. During the investigation, they did many psychological evaluations on him in an attempt to determine whether or not he was at risk to re-offend. I had access to all of this information, which included polygraph tests. I learned of terrible things that he did during our marriage that he was never going to confess to me. Some of these things were homosexual in nature. This was the evidence I needed to knock me into reality. No matter HOW much I loved him or wanted my family to stay together, I couldn’t take away his agency. I realized that i really had no idea what he was capable of and, after a very long separation, I decided to file for divorce.

I went to talk to my lawyer on December 19th, 2006, Our ninth anniversary. The process moved very quickly because Roy didn’t contest anything and on January 19, 2007, exactly one month after I first talked to my lawyer, our divorce was final. Because the universe likes to crap on me, this also happened to be the day of my radiation treatment. I got home from the hospital and was beginning my 7 day isolation period (I was radioactive and couldn’t be around any other people) when I got the call from my lawyer telling me my divorce was final. The irony of it all shocked me somewhat as I opened my top dresser drawer to put my wedding ring away…for good. That day, the day when I needed love and support from my family more than ANY other day of my life, also happened to be a day when I couldn’t be near anyone. That was when I lost it. I wanted to cry so badly, but I wasn’t allowed to because the radiation would come out through my tears, contaminating the environment, so I held it in as best I could. Soon, though, I was nauseated from the treatment and threw up in the toilet. As I sat there, I realized it would be appropriate for me to cry. So, I did. I let it all out. I had been carrying so much pain around for so many months and I finally got to let it all out in the privacy of my bathroom.

Looking back at it now, I know it must have been such a pathetic scene, but it was very cleansing for me. I was single — something I never wanted to be again. My efforts to help my husband and save my marriage had failed. I was angry that so many terrible things had happened to me when all I had ever done was try to be a good person. After my pitiful scene with my toilet, I called Roy to tell him we were divorced. A few minutes later, he showed up at my front door. I was surprised to see him there and VERY surprised when he came in my living room and gave me a hug. I don’t think he said much, just something about not wanting it all to end in silence.

A lot has happened since then. Roy was placed on a ten year probation with no prison time and excommunicated from the church. He attempted suicide at one point, which was very hard for me. Whatever he had done, I didn’t want him dead. Shortly after the suicide attempt and some time in the behavioral health center, he violated his probation (by getting on the internet at work) and was sent to prison for 7 months. He didn’t share much about his experience in prison, but I’m sure it affected him.

It has been almost 5 years now since the day that I got the call from the police. My life is so much different than I ever thought it would be. I am a survivor of divorce and cancer. I almost have my bachelor’s degree. Best of all, I’m married to a good man who has no interest in pornography . We don’t have a perfect marriage, of course, but it’s so nice not having to constantly worry about what he is doing when I’m not around.

Roy is still very much a part of our lives. He sees the kids on Saturdays (regular polygraphs show that he has not harmed the children nor thought about harming them and psychological evaluations determined that he is not a risk to re-offend.) and they relish their time together. The kids know nothing of their father’s mistakes and I’m trying to keep it that way for a little while, at least. He is their hero. They are still saddened by our divorce, and probably always will be. I’m still saddened by it, too. I will always love Roy, but my love for him has changed over the years. I love him as a brother. I still pray for him and want the best for him. I really, truly hope that he gets his life straightened out and is able to find peace. I forgive him for the pain he caused me and know that a can be happy again. I have seen first-hand the destruction that occurs as a result of pornography addiction. It turns out that Roy struggled with it for years before he met me, but was very good at keeping it a secret while we dated. It was a seed that had been planted way before I was even in the picture. I have no regrets about our life together, as it was the way in which I was blessed with my amazing, angel children. It has also taught me a lot about compassion and forgiveness and seeing people the way the Lord sees them.

This is my story about pornography and how it destroyed my marriage. It is very real. Pornography addiction is real. It can make a very intelligent, successful man lose 4 wonderful jobs, his membership in his church, his standing in the community and his loving family. I’m thankful for the opportunity to share my story and hope that it can be helpful in some way.

Attacking my little girl – a result of child porn

-shared anonymously

I never thought about pornography much before 2002. My family did not use it, so I thought it was a non-issue. That all changed the spring of 2002 when my 6 year old daughter was attacked in our back yard by my neighbor’s son. He jumped our 4 ft fence and attacked, no words, no warning. In seconds he threw her over the fence onto the pavement, and threw her into his car. Had I not already been on my way outside to join my daughter, I am convinced she would not be with us today. I confronted him as he was slamming the car door repeatedly against her feet in an attempt to shut the door and escape with his prey. Even as my neighbors emerged from their homes he would not give up. It was only when he heard sirens that he left and my child was safe. In the attack, her tooth was knocked out, her feet and tailbone were injured, and his handprints were bruised onto her body. I wish I could say that was all that happened, but the truth is he stole a piece our family that day that can never be replaced.

The court process took over six months. During the many hearings, it was revealed that this young man had been exposed to child pornography and was sexually attracted to children. He had material in the trunk of his car to dispose of/destroy a body. In the end, the attacker went from being a 19 year old college student with a future full of promise, to a felon sentenced to over 10 years in prison, a convicted sex offender.

In the months following the attack, my daughter’s personality changed dramatically. She gained weight, had nightmares, and was angry or sad a lot. She was always on high alert, afraid of being attacked again. She was afraid to ride her bike, go to the zoo, the mall, public children’s parties, etc., because she couldn’t tell who the bad people were. The constant anxiety created an imbalance in her nervous system that required months of occupational therapy, and the bones in her feet were all over-extended from being hit in the car door. Wearing socks and shoes was painful, and we were told that when she stopped growing the problem should heal itself. Nothing compares to the permanent post traumatic stress that she lives with every day. She has had years of therapy, and each stage of development brings new issues, new fears. Though she is a very nice young lady, and an excellent student, she cannot function without daily anxiety medication, and struggles with panic attacks at school. I dearly love and appreciate the young woman she is becoming, but she has worked very hard and overcome many painful obstacles to do so. Her treatment continues still.

Our financial difficulties have prevented us from relocating. My daughter’s attacker will be released from prison in a few years, which will bring a whole new set of issues for our family as his neighbor. His sentence will end, but our family’s sentence is forever. Yes, pornography harms, even if you never use it yourself.

I have never been able to share this story publicly, as most of my daughter’s friends do not know her history, and she prefers not to be known as a victim. Because I fear him or his family searching for us online, we do not use our real names in Face book, etc. It’s not fair that we have to hide to feel safe, but that is our reality. If someone struggles with pornography, I beg them to get professional help, for everyone’s sake. Thank you for allowing me to share this story, in the hopes that it will make a difference in someone’s life.